True Feelings

I have been trying to decide if I wanted to do this post due to some guiltiness on my part, but this is a place for me to document my true feelings and I hope the things I post don't offend anyone. I mentioned my fear of offending people to a friend yesterday and she said that this is where I can post my true & raw feelings and if someone chooses to be offended by it then they don't have to read my posts. So there!

For someone struggling with infertility when we hear someone's exciting news of a pregnancy there can be many mixed emotions. I have talked about this before, but just recently we found out of a family members good news and all of these feelings are pretty fresh right now so I wanted to document it. I asked this person if she would be ok with me talking about this on my blog and she was so sweet to say she didn't mind at all.

A couple of Saturdays ago we were at my inlaws house visiting. I was talking to my mother-in-law about going on a possible girls trip sometime this year. She was telling me about a cruise she had seen. My father-in-law who was in the room during this conversation nonchalantly mentioned that one of my sister-in-laws probably wouldn't be able to go since she was pregnant. Immediately a large lump filled in the back of my throat. We hadn't heard of this news yet and my mother-in-law gave him a look letting him know he wasn't supposed to spill the beans to us. 

I just mentioned I was surprised to hear this news but happy for them. It may have not been the best way to find out, but I was actually kind of grateful that he told us and not Jordan's brother and wife because I maybe wouldn't have been able to give them the most appropriate reaction in that moment. 

When Jordan and I got in the car the water works began. I was able to keep my emotions together until we were alone. I felt so much confusion in that moment. As I talked to Jordan about it I vented anger, jealousy, sadness, guilt, joy and happiness all at the same time.

We had planned to go to dinner with some of my family that night and while we were at dinner Jordan's brother called him. He had found out that we knew of their news. Jordan congratulated him, but I didn't talk to them at that time.  On our way home from dinner I went to text my sister-in-law and she had beat me to it. Her sweet text said, "We love you Shawnee. I hope you are doing ok after the news, even though I know better. We put your names on the Temple roll tonight." Immediately I felt a blanket of peace overcome me. 

Later that night I was able to talk to her on the phone. She said how bad she felt that we found out the way we did and they were trying to figure out a sweet way to tell us. Like I said before though, I think it was probably a good thing we found out originally from someone else. I really didn't want to cry to her and I wanted to be able to just be so excited for her, but of course I cried. The feelings were still so fresh. Luckily she is so amazing and told me to cry and to not feel one ounce of guilt for doing so. 

I honestly HATE feeling this way and feel sooooo guilty for it. I usually just need a day or two to digest it and to let myself feel sad and jealous and then I get over it. One of the first thoughts I had was that now our little guy would be the only cousin in our whole family to be an only child. For some reason I felt ok because they also only had one little boy, but now he will be getting a little brother or sister. I want that for C so bad! 

After we were blessed with C I really thought that if we weren't able to have anymore kids I would be ok because we have him. Well I am here to tell you it is just as hard. We get questions all the time of when we are going to have another baby, or why we haven't yet. People tell me we just need to practice more...Ha! 

For me, these questions don't bother me too much, but I know for some people it is very hard. I think this is one reason why I am so open about what we are going through because then it prevents questions like those. If someone who may not know our situation asks a question like that, I have no problem letting them know that we are trying, but it's a struggle for us. I don't tell people to feel bad, I tell them so they know what to say and what not to say. I try really hard myself to not ask those questions to people, but sometimes I slip because they are natural questions to ask. 

I think it is important to keep in mind that every person you come in contact with is struggling with something in their life that you may not understand or know about and to just be sensitive to that. 

All of this happened on Saturday and I was so excited to go to church the next day. It is a place where I find peace and comfort and that's exactly what I needed! I looked through the hymn book and went to one of my favorite songs, Be Still My Soul. When my sweet niece passed away my sister had told me how the words of that song brought comfort to her. Ever since then I find such comfort in the words of that song.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I know that the Lord is on my side and He has a plan for our little family. I will suffer grief and pain through this trial but if I put my faith and trust in Him it will lead us to a joyful end!