Jumbled Thoughts

Lately I have had so many thoughts and emotions that I am not sure how to write them all down. I can tell you right now that the next few posts probably won't flow smooth and may not make sense but now you know how my brain feels. 

Let's start with last Tuesday, the 19th...If I hadn't started my period by this day Dr. Heiner wanted me to take a pregnancy test and if the result was negative then start taking progesterone to help me start. Now, taking a pregnancy test was probably the last thing I wanted to do! Each time I take a test I have the same feelings...I am always a little shaky and have feelings of hope as well as feelings of not getting my hopes up. The wait for it to show one or two lines is excruciating every single time, no matter how many times I have done it in the past. It was negative which didn't surprise me at this point. So...it was off to Costco to pick up the meds for this next IUI round.

I was able to get the progesterone which I took one small pill once a day for seven days. I also picked up my femara which I will take two small pills once a day on days 3-7 of my cycle. 

It's actually kind of interesting because the femara is used to treat certain types of breast cancer in women after menopause. It is also used to help prevent the cancer from returning. Doctors also prescribe femara for women with PCOS or unexplained infertility. It helps to produce a mature follicle in the ovary...Bring on the healthy follicles!

This is not my first time taking femara and in the past I have never experienced side effects with it which is a major plus. When I was on clomid, it was a nightmare! I had hot flashes like crazy and I literally was not a nice person when I was taking it. Jordan even asked me if I could tell the doctor that I didn't want to take it anymore because I was so mean. It's weird how medications can affect you in different ways. I am grateful I don't have those same issues with the femara. 

Oh...guess what else I had to do on Tuesday...

Yup...that $525.15 went towards our unsuccessful IUI in October. That was no fun to pay! This was in addition to the $340 we paid for the actual IUI procedure and about $100 towards meds.

Can I just tell you how frustrating it is to see this money go out of our account and really not see anything in return!!! This is another reason why it is so difficult to hear about people who don't have any issues with conceiving. It's interesting to think about. I was talking to Jordan the other night after we had paid this bill and told him how it's weird to think that we will never know what it feels like to just one day decide we are ready for a baby and try for a couple of months and get a positive pregnancy test. No money spent except for the pregnancy test. There are a lot of you out there who will never know how we feel either. You will never fully understand the feelings we experience by paying for multiple doctor's appointment, lots of different medications (that part affects you financially, emotionally, and physically), testing to figure out what's going on, surgeries, and procedures. After all of this, a lot of times there is still no baby and you go back to the drawing board.

The hardest for me is the emotions we experience. It's so hard to explain to others and I am sure it's hard for you to understand as well. Let's hope this next round has a happy ending!