Negative Again!

The last IUI procedure we had done was a little more rough for me. I was super crampy and I really had to focus on my breathing while laying there. I am not sure why it was worse this time than the others. Inside I was hoping that was a good sign. Jordan was great to hold my hand through it all. We left the office with the same hope we have every time we do something like this. I was really hoping that the acupuncture I was having done would help.

Life went on as normal for the next two weeks. I tried to keep myself busy so I wasn't thinking about it too much (yeah right). On February 22 Aunt Flo made her visit again. I was upset as usual. I called Jordan to tell him and cried for a minute and then I had to get back to taking care of Carter. I called the doctor's office to let them know and she was very sweet to me. We scheduled for me to come in the next day for a baseline ultrasound. They always want to make sure that there are no cysts in the ovaries from all the medication before starting a new round. 

Jordan and I went in on the 23rd and I am so glad Jordan was with me! Dr. Heiner did the ultrasound and there were no cysts and he let us know we were ready for another round. While we were there we talked to him about a few other concerns. Jordan had been given a prescription for belviq (medicine that is supposed to help with weight loss) and he wanted to see if this would effect his sperm at all. Dr. Heiner hadn't heard much about belviq before so he said he would go in his office to check it out and once I was dressed to go and meet him in there to go over what he was able to find. We went in his office and the conversation went A LOT different then what I had expected. 

Dr. Heiner had pulled up our chart from the most recent IUI and he had some concerns. He said that he noticed that the morphology score of Jordan's sperm was low. It was at a 4% and normal is 14% or higher. He then called over to the lab who prepares the sperm for insemination and asked them to figure out what his fertility score was. It was not good news. We were given a fertility score of 9% out of 100%. Uh-Oh! That threw another wrench into this situation.

We were then told that IUI is not the route for us. IVF would give us the best shot at getting pregnant. We now realize what a miracle Carter really is. There may be a chance that over time the morphology has gotten worse and so maybe when we had Carter our score wasn't so low, but who knows. All I know is that Carter was meant to be our little boy and I am so grateful for that! 

Dr. Heiner said there wasn't really anything that Jordan could do to improve this besides maybe trying to take a few different types of vitamins, but it wasn't real promising. We left the office with lots to think about. It's interesting how your feelings about something can completely change over time. At the beginning of this blog I talked about how we were originally going to see the doctor for IVF and that we felt like that what the right direction for us to go in. Well, the discussion we had in the car that day was much different! 

Jordan expressed his honest feelings with me. He said that every time we have ever talked about IVF he gets the negative feeling and he feels like it isn't what we should be doing. He knew how much I wanted to be pregnant again and he wanted to support me in all of this, but now that it was so real he wouldn't be able to move forward with it until he told me how he was really feeling. When he told me this a feeling of peace fell over me and I knew in that moment that IVF was not for us. After talking to the doctor that day and finding out what it would entail I felt that physically and emotionally I personally wouldn't be able to handle IVF. It isn't a guarantee and I can't imagine having to go through that multiple times. At this point we were both drained of this whole process. Infertility is a crazy roller coaster!

We told our families what was going on and they were all so supportive as usual. We are so grateful for all of our blessings and we have so much to be thankful for. As big as this seems at times, this really is just a small bump that we have to get over, and I know we will!

Acupuncture

A few months ago my Mom had talked to me about trying out acupuncture for infertility. She had talked to one of her friends whose daughter also struggled with getting pregnant and she went to an acupuncturist and the next month she was pregnant. At that time I didn't really feel like it was something I was interested in. 

Last month I started thinking about that conversation and I felt strong that it was something I needed to give a try. I know that it may not work for me, but I want to be able to say that we have tried everything we possibly could. I decided to go to the same doctor my Mom's friend's daughter went to. His name is Dr. Hendricks and his office is in Farmington.

Dr. Hendricks is a chiropractor and at one point he started to have horrible pain and problems in his shoulder from playing racquetball. He decided to go see an acupuncturist in Salt Lake and it completely took his shoulder pain away. After this experience he went to school for acupuncture. He is a really nice guy and I am happy that I chose to go to him.

I was really nervous because I don't like needles but it really isn't all that bad. The first day I went he put in a total of 20 needles. 1 below my belly button, 2 in my lower back, 2 in each hand, 2 in each foot and the rest in my legs. When he puts them in I should feel a little electric zing. The first couple of times I went I really wasn't sure if I was feeling what I was supposed to, but by the third time it was pretty strong and he said that is because I am achieving chi. 

The second time I went I had talked to him about my anxiety issues and if there were any points he could do for that. Unfortunately those points are all in my feet and toes. He puts one in the bottom of each foot and that is the worst one. Once it is in it's pain free, but the initial prick on the feet kind of hurts. It feels like a hard pinch. Once the needles are in I rest for 15 minutes and then he removes them. After he added the anxiety points I think I have almost 30 needles total. I look like a pin cushion! 

I found a really helpful video on youtube by Irina Szmelskyj with The Fertility Foundation explaining "How Acupuncture Improves Natural Fertility" and I will share with you what it explains...

-1 in 4 couples seek acupuncture to help them conceive
-Acupuncture helps to regulate hormones which helps with more regular menstrual cycles, more regular ovulation, better follicular development, and better uterine lining
-Acupuncture improves blood supply to the ovaries, and this improves quality of eggs
-Acupuncture improves sperm quality and quantity (Jordan is not receiving acupuncture at this time but I may ask him to go in the future if necessary) 
-Acupuncture helps with embryo implantation
-Acupuncture reduces stress (stress can cause infertility issues)

Dr. Hendricks always says that even if it doesn't work this month it isn't doing any harm by trying, so why not? Ever since he started doing the anxiety points I really do feel less anxious and I am hoping it will continue to help in that area as well as the infertility. Dr. Hendricks recommends doing 8 times and I have done 4 so far. 4 more to go! I am very hopeful that this will do the trick and we will get pregnant this round!

True Feelings

I have been trying to decide if I wanted to do this post due to some guiltiness on my part, but this is a place for me to document my true feelings and I hope the things I post don't offend anyone. I mentioned my fear of offending people to a friend yesterday and she said that this is where I can post my true & raw feelings and if someone chooses to be offended by it then they don't have to read my posts. So there!

For someone struggling with infertility when we hear someone's exciting news of a pregnancy there can be many mixed emotions. I have talked about this before, but just recently we found out of a family members good news and all of these feelings are pretty fresh right now so I wanted to document it. I asked this person if she would be ok with me talking about this on my blog and she was so sweet to say she didn't mind at all.

A couple of Saturdays ago we were at my inlaws house visiting. I was talking to my mother-in-law about going on a possible girls trip sometime this year. She was telling me about a cruise she had seen. My father-in-law who was in the room during this conversation nonchalantly mentioned that one of my sister-in-laws probably wouldn't be able to go since she was pregnant. Immediately a large lump filled in the back of my throat. We hadn't heard of this news yet and my mother-in-law gave him a look letting him know he wasn't supposed to spill the beans to us. 

I just mentioned I was surprised to hear this news but happy for them. It may have not been the best way to find out, but I was actually kind of grateful that he told us and not Jordan's brother and wife because I maybe wouldn't have been able to give them the most appropriate reaction in that moment. 

When Jordan and I got in the car the water works began. I was able to keep my emotions together until we were alone. I felt so much confusion in that moment. As I talked to Jordan about it I vented anger, jealousy, sadness, guilt, joy and happiness all at the same time.

We had planned to go to dinner with some of my family that night and while we were at dinner Jordan's brother called him. He had found out that we knew of their news. Jordan congratulated him, but I didn't talk to them at that time.  On our way home from dinner I went to text my sister-in-law and she had beat me to it. Her sweet text said, "We love you Shawnee. I hope you are doing ok after the news, even though I know better. We put your names on the Temple roll tonight." Immediately I felt a blanket of peace overcome me. 

Later that night I was able to talk to her on the phone. She said how bad she felt that we found out the way we did and they were trying to figure out a sweet way to tell us. Like I said before though, I think it was probably a good thing we found out originally from someone else. I really didn't want to cry to her and I wanted to be able to just be so excited for her, but of course I cried. The feelings were still so fresh. Luckily she is so amazing and told me to cry and to not feel one ounce of guilt for doing so. 

I honestly HATE feeling this way and feel sooooo guilty for it. I usually just need a day or two to digest it and to let myself feel sad and jealous and then I get over it. One of the first thoughts I had was that now our little guy would be the only cousin in our whole family to be an only child. For some reason I felt ok because they also only had one little boy, but now he will be getting a little brother or sister. I want that for C so bad! 

After we were blessed with C I really thought that if we weren't able to have anymore kids I would be ok because we have him. Well I am here to tell you it is just as hard. We get questions all the time of when we are going to have another baby, or why we haven't yet. People tell me we just need to practice more...Ha! 

For me, these questions don't bother me too much, but I know for some people it is very hard. I think this is one reason why I am so open about what we are going through because then it prevents questions like those. If someone who may not know our situation asks a question like that, I have no problem letting them know that we are trying, but it's a struggle for us. I don't tell people to feel bad, I tell them so they know what to say and what not to say. I try really hard myself to not ask those questions to people, but sometimes I slip because they are natural questions to ask. 

I think it is important to keep in mind that every person you come in contact with is struggling with something in their life that you may not understand or know about and to just be sensitive to that. 

All of this happened on Saturday and I was so excited to go to church the next day. It is a place where I find peace and comfort and that's exactly what I needed! I looked through the hymn book and went to one of my favorite songs, Be Still My Soul. When my sweet niece passed away my sister had told me how the words of that song brought comfort to her. Ever since then I find such comfort in the words of that song.

Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;

With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.

Leave to thy God to order and provide;

In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.

Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend

Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I know that the Lord is on my side and He has a plan for our little family. I will suffer grief and pain through this trial but if I put my faith and trust in Him it will lead us to a joyful end!

Elephants & Fertility

A couple of weeks ago my friend/neighbor/visiting teacher came by for a visit. She brought two of her little ones and Carter was having an issue sharing (this happens quite often) and I was telling her that I think it is hard for him to share because he has only child syndrome. When we are home he never has to share his toys with anyone so when a friend comes over he has a hard time sharing. I had mentioned that he needs to have a little brother or sister to help him get over this stage. She then asked if we were trying and I opened up about our situation.

I had talked to her about our recent failed IUI attempt and that we were going to be starting another round of IUI. I had no idea but she told me that she did IUI and that is how she got her twins! It was so nice to talk to someone who has been through what we are going through. We talked about all the emotions that come along with it as well as how our hubby's react to everything. I really felt a lot better after she left. 

I was so grateful for the time that this friend gave to me and then a few days later she text me to see if I was at home. She came by and brought me this elephant...

She told me that when they were struggling with their infertility her hubby had read that Elephants were a sign of fertility and so she wanted to get one for us. That meant so much to me! 

I decided to get on my computer and look up the elephant and fertility. This is what I found on a couple of different sites...

Another way to pump up your fertility is by getting an elephant. No, not a real one! A representation of an elephant. Elephants have been considered a fertility symbol for thousands of years. Place a lovely elephant figurine in your bedroom. Rub your elephant to bring more children into your family. 

Elephants
In India, elephants’ long trunks are associated with rain, which brings fertility to the fields. Many wedding ceremonies utilize terra-cotta elephants as a symbol of fertility. In China, elephants are considered a symbol of pregnancy. A pair of elephants are often kept on each side of the bed facing the center of the room. 

2. Enhance fertility with Elephant symbolism
An elephant — with its trunk down, please! — is a strong symbol for fertility in Feng Shui.

Place your elephant in a prominent spot either in your bedroom, your Children sector, or in the Fire element (Fame & Reputation) sector of your home to nourish the energy of physical connection and intimacy.

The elephant’s trunk is pointed downwards for fertility in order to help you move through obstacles, and also because a downward-pointing trunk is thought to distribute good luck (whereas an upward-pointing trunk stores up the luck for future use). 

Thank you so much to this sweet friend! The love and support that we have received from everyone has been so incredible...It really is what makes this trial a little easier. We love you all!

Jumbled Thoughts

Lately I have had so many thoughts and emotions that I am not sure how to write them all down. I can tell you right now that the next few posts probably won't flow smooth and may not make sense but now you know how my brain feels. 

Let's start with last Tuesday, the 19th...If I hadn't started my period by this day Dr. Heiner wanted me to take a pregnancy test and if the result was negative then start taking progesterone to help me start. Now, taking a pregnancy test was probably the last thing I wanted to do! Each time I take a test I have the same feelings...I am always a little shaky and have feelings of hope as well as feelings of not getting my hopes up. The wait for it to show one or two lines is excruciating every single time, no matter how many times I have done it in the past. It was negative which didn't surprise me at this point. So...it was off to Costco to pick up the meds for this next IUI round.

I was able to get the progesterone which I took one small pill once a day for seven days. I also picked up my femara which I will take two small pills once a day on days 3-7 of my cycle. 

It's actually kind of interesting because the femara is used to treat certain types of breast cancer in women after menopause. It is also used to help prevent the cancer from returning. Doctors also prescribe femara for women with PCOS or unexplained infertility. It helps to produce a mature follicle in the ovary...Bring on the healthy follicles!

This is not my first time taking femara and in the past I have never experienced side effects with it which is a major plus. When I was on clomid, it was a nightmare! I had hot flashes like crazy and I literally was not a nice person when I was taking it. Jordan even asked me if I could tell the doctor that I didn't want to take it anymore because I was so mean. It's weird how medications can affect you in different ways. I am grateful I don't have those same issues with the femara. 

Oh...guess what else I had to do on Tuesday...

Yup...that $525.15 went towards our unsuccessful IUI in October. That was no fun to pay! This was in addition to the $340 we paid for the actual IUI procedure and about $100 towards meds.

Can I just tell you how frustrating it is to see this money go out of our account and really not see anything in return!!! This is another reason why it is so difficult to hear about people who don't have any issues with conceiving. It's interesting to think about. I was talking to Jordan the other night after we had paid this bill and told him how it's weird to think that we will never know what it feels like to just one day decide we are ready for a baby and try for a couple of months and get a positive pregnancy test. No money spent except for the pregnancy test. There are a lot of you out there who will never know how we feel either. You will never fully understand the feelings we experience by paying for multiple doctor's appointment, lots of different medications (that part affects you financially, emotionally, and physically), testing to figure out what's going on, surgeries, and procedures. After all of this, a lot of times there is still no baby and you go back to the drawing board.

The hardest for me is the emotions we experience. It's so hard to explain to others and I am sure it's hard for you to understand as well. Let's hope this next round has a happy ending!

Believe...

I found an instagram account of a couple who had just found out their round of IVF was successful and in one of her posts she talked about some inspirational jewelry that she had that would remind her to keep hope and have faith through their journey. I really liked the idea of having a reminder close to you and so I decided to go online and purchase my own necklace that I will wear everyday while we go through this process. The necklace I bought says "believe". 

It came with a cute box that says, "In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can." I love that quote! I ordered the necklace online on Sunday and the tracking said it would arrive on Saturday the 9th. I was hoping it would be here today but didn't worry too much about it. We were pulling out of our driveway this afternoon to go to our first appointment and I decided to quickly grab the mail. I was so happy when I saw a small package in the mailbox. I opened it up and immediately put the necklace on. This was such a small thing, but meant so much to me!

I am excited to have this small reminder to believe in Heavenly Father and His plan, the doctors, nurses, the process, and in Jordan and myself. 

We walked into our appointment today with a notebook full of questions. I did a lot of research on "what questions to ask your doctor before you begin IVF" and I was prepared with probably 20-30 questions. I wanted to make sure that we knew what we were getting into. We were taken back to Dr. Heiner's office where he sat and asked a few routine questions about what we have tried up to this point. He looked over my charts from previous doctors (which by the way I didn't realize how many doctors we have already been to until he started going over my charts. Crazy!). I was very honest with how we have been feeling and that we wanted to look into IVF. After visiting for a while he told us that before we try IVF he would like to try IUI but he wants to add in additional FSH hormone injections. He explained that a woman with no fertility issues has a 16% chance of getting pregnant each month. He said that for me, having PCOS, I have about an 8% chance. The IUI rounds we have tried in the past took that percentage up to 11%. This plan he wants to try takes us up to a 23% chance. He feels that since we know we can get pregnant he isn't ready for us to jump right to IVF just yet. Jordan and I discussed it and once he had explained it all in detail it really makes sense for us to try this plan first. 

What will happen is I will take femara (which I took with the previous IUI) on Cycle Days 3-7, on day 7, 9, and 11 I will do an FSH injection (I have never done FSH injections up to this point) and on day 12 I will go in for an ultrasound. If the eggs look ready then I will take an ovulation trigger injection and the insemination will take place 36 hours later. There is a chance that when I go in for the ultrasound I won't be ready for the trigger shot yet and may need to do a couple more FSH injections and then go in again a few days later for the insemination. We will try this for 3 rounds and if we still are not pregnant we will discuss IVF. 

We really thought that we were ready for IVF but honestly as soon as Dr. Heiner began discussing this other option, we both felt like this was best for us right now. Especially when it comes to the finance part! We made sure to ask about all the fees that will be included with the insemination and it is cheaper than what we spent up at The U. We are looking forward to beginning this process and we were so impressed with the doctor and the nurses who helped us today. Everyone was so kind and explained everything well and answered all of our questions and concerns. I will contact our nurse once my cycle begins which should be the end of this month.

BELIEVE!

-Shawnee

Here We Go!

Welcome to our blog! After a lot of thought we have decided to journal our journey through our infertility treatments as we continue to try to conceive baby #2. 

I wanted to give you a little bit of our background...Infertility has been something we have struggled with ever since we started trying for our first baby in 2008. It took us a good 3 and 1/2 years to get pregnant with our big guy. During those 3 1/2 years we took clomid, had a laparoscopy, tried two rounds of IUI and still had no success. In the fall of 2011 we had decided to take a break on the baby road and I decided to go back to college. I started classes the second week of January and by the fourth week of January I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. We were SHOCKED! We hadn't been on any sort of fertility treatment at the time we conceived. I guess we just needed to quit thinking about it and it worked. An answer to our many prayers! My OB had mentioned that a woman is very fertile right after giving birth and so we decided to not do any kind of contraception and if we got pregnant right away we would be OK with that. Here we are 3 1/2 years later and still no pregnancy. I thought after having just one baby I would be OK if we didn't have any more, but that has not been the case. Our desire for a baby is just as strong, if not stronger now than it was before baby #1. He has brought us so much joy and happiness and we want even more of that. We also really want him to grow up with a brother or sister. Both Jordan and I have siblings and they are our best friends and we want him to have the same. 

In the past couple of years we have tried:

-More fertility meds (Femara, Metformin) 

-In March of 2015 I had a hysterosalpingogram, which is an important test of female fertility potential. The HSG test is a radiology procedure usually done in the radiology department of a hospital or outpatient radiology facility.

• Radiographic contrast (dye) is injected into the uterine cavity through the vagina and cervix 
• The uterine cavity fills with dye and if the fallopian tubes are open, dye fills the tubes and spills into the abdominal cavity

This shows whether the fallopian tubes are open or blocked and whether a blockage is at the junction of the tube and uterus (proximal) or at the other end of the tube (distal)) This dye test came back normal and both tubes were open

-In October of 2015 we did another round of IUI which was unsuccessful. 

We were planning on doing a second round of IUI right away, but once we saw that our insurance wasn't covering much we felt like we shouldn't. We decided with the holiday season upon us we wanted to take a break once again from the baby stuff and enjoy our time with family and friends and not have the stress of trying to conceive. 

Jordan and I have always been very open with one another about our feelings and desires for this journey and we have discussed more IUI rounds, adoption, and IVF. We have prayed and attended the Temple while making these decisions. For some time we thought maybe adoption would be our next choice but for some reason I kept getting a feeling that wasn't right. I love adoption and think it is one of the greatest things in the world but for some reason I kept going back to IVF. What has always held me back from all of these procedures is the financial burden that comes with it. This last round of IUI cost us almost $2,000 which some people were shocked to hear. When we did the two rounds of IUI in 2011 it only cost us about $450 each round, but this time I chose to do monitoring through ultrasound before the procedure which is where the additional money was spent. I had 3 different ultrasounds and each cost around $360 and then add in the medication I was taking and additional office visits it all adds up quick! 

After lots of prayers and discussions together we have decided to try IVF. We didn't want to spend another $2,000 or more when we have done IUI 3 times now with no success. We want to put our money towards something that has a higher success rate. This decision was a tough one and it took time to finally say that's what we wanted to do. Once we finally said out loud this was the road we wanted to take I felt like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders which I take as the Spirit telling me we have made the right decision. It took me a long time to even consider IVF because we were able to conceive on our own before but that doesn't mean it will happen again. We feel like we have tried all we can up to this point and IVF just makes sense. 

Infertility is such an emotional roller coaster and also a physical roller coaster. When you are taking different medications to tell your body to do something it's not, it starts to wear on you. It has been a test for our marriage as well. Like I said, we have always been very open with one another which is what has helped us stay strong. I think this has been the hardest for me emotionally. Any time I hear a pregnancy announcement I feel like a knife has been stabbed in my heart, but only for a small moment and then it disappears and I feel happiness for that joyous announcement. I think it's OK and normal to have that type of response...It only becomes an issue if you can't get past that response. It can easily turn to depression. I have been lucky enough to not get to that point but I know there are others out there who have. What has helped me is reading other's experiences. They are complete strangers but once I read their story and realize we are experiencing the same thing, it really helps me. I hope that by us sharing our journey we can help someone too. Even if you don't have issues with infertility I think it is important to know the process so you may be able to understand what those who do struggle with it are going through. It's always hard to know what to say to someone with any kind of trial if you yourself haven't experienced it. I wasn't going to tell anyone we were going to do IVF but as I continued to think about it I realized that I need the support of family and friends to get through this. We have been so blessed with an incredible support system and we are grateful for each of you! 

We are scheduled to go meet with our new doctor this Wednesday (January 6, 2016) to discuss our options. We have chosen to go to The Reproductive Care Center. They have a 100% guarantee program we will discuss with them and see if we can qualify for. We will also meet with the financial advisor that day to see what options they have as far as a loan. After all the office visits, ultrasounds, meds, and procedures we could get up to more than $20,000 in bills. We obviously don't have that kind of money hanging around and so hopefully we will be able to figure out how to make it all work. I will post after we meet with them to share what information we received and if we have chosen to move forward. I am feeling a lot of anxiety right now and I hope after meeting with our doctor that will slightly go away. I am a very anxious person and stress about everything so I know there will be a lot of stress and anxiety throughout this process, but I am hoping some of it will go away.

We live such a wonderful life and have been so blessed by our Heavenly Father and we are putting our faith and trust in Him. Today during sacrament meeting a lady bore her testimony and she mentioned that Satan knows our weaknesses and he will work at those to try to take away our happiness but we need to remember that our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ also know our weaknesses and if we just get on our knees and ask for the strength and courage They will never leave our side! I am going to try to take all of this one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow but only think about today. Thank you to everyone for all of the love, prayers, and support you have and will continue to give us. We love you! HERE WE GO!!!!

-Shawnee